As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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