Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
