i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
