Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
never play flip cup with pint glasses
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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