I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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