Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
