I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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