John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
