You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
