Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
There's always time for handjobs
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
