I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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