I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
