gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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