My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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