Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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