just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
he told me I talked like a deaf person
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
