just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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