why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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