Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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