I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Drunk is not a location!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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