Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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