Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Oh god it's open bar.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
