Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
