As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
