upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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