I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
