I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
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Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
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Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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