party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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