I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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