We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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