I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I think weed is turning my hair brown
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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