i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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