Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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