My liver just broke up with me...
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
