yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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