I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
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i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
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He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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