I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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