I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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