just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
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