shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The feeling are messing with the penis
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
