I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Also, beer. Big fan.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
