A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
