I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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