Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
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