so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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