so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
