i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
