I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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