Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
