I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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