Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
