Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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