her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I need to calm my uterus...
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
