At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Randomize