I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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