So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
